The Girl, and The God: A Poem

Who is the wolf?
Who wears the hood?
Nobody knows,
And nobody should.

Here in my arms,
That's where you should be.
Could anyone love you,
More than me?

Deep in the dark,
Is where you must hide.
But here in the light,
Is where you are mine.

Am I the sweet girl?
Though my teeth are so long?
Are you the big beast?
Though your laugh is so strong?

Sometimes I forget,
That people don't know.
That the truth is never,
Easily shown.

Who is the wolf?
Who wears the hood?
Nobody knows,
And nobody should.

This is our world.
Where we can be true.
Just you and me.

Forever? Sounds good.

Not Dead…Yet

Oh Lawd where do I start?!

I DON'T, that's where I start lol

This whole damn week has been EXHAUSTING oh my LAWD

"Gopher, why was it tiring?"

Did I fucking stutter sir and or madame?! I just said I don't start.

Mainly because I honestly can't choose where or what specific thing really took the cake.

Well that's not true, my dog passing away was definitely the high light of the shit storm. Thanks to that I just feel so drained and blah after everything else.

I am happy I'm writing this blog…mainly because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my day to day life….I mean, there's only so much you can tell people about your pain or the cause of your pain before they get tired of hearing..which really sucks because then I either bottle it all up or desperately search for someone new to verbally throw up on…but after a while you bottle up anyway…at least I do. Mainly because the anxiety reminds the depression if I keep talking I'll just become a burden or I'll be seen as annoying and that's not ok…

My brain would rather me be silent than make others think I can't handle myself…or make others think I'm an irritating stain in their life..which I'm fairly certain stems from the deeply ingrained fear of being left alone…..

😳

Wow

My God that became dark…hahaha haa

*ah-hem*

Anywho, there are good things that have happened.

Soon I will be getting an iPad Pro (10.5) with an Apple Pencil :D. I am also going to be snagging the Qwerkywriter Mechanical Keyboard if I can!

"Oh goodness Goph-"

SILENCE PEASANT!

It's beautiful and amazing and shUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY DAMN IT!!

So yeah, I'm super fucking excited about that because FUCK YEAH BOOK WRITING!!

"Why is everything randomly capitali-"

Shhhhhhhhjjkkhjkjhnkk *creepily caresses your face, as I draw closer to you and whisper*….. I'm tired of your questions human.

The second good thing, and this may seem really silly, is that I will be acquiring my first, drum roll please…………..
😀
A PURSE!

*crickets*

Eh? Ehhh?

*crickets*

Fuck you guys I'm funny 😂 hahahaha haaaand completely serious.

I know it may not seem like much but it'll be my first purse in 22 years, so it's a small milestone but a milestone none the less lol

Plus!! It's a Disney purse 😀

Anyway….

If I've learned anything at this wedding

….lmfao let's try that again
If I've learned anything THIS WEEK…it's that life truly is a roller coaster ride, and it's definitely made harder when you are suddenly riding it alone…but I'm going to keep trucking, because the bad doesn't last forever and I want to be there when the sun finally shines through.

Take care Gophs, and until next time 🙂
P.S.

Life Without You

Heya Gophs…
You guys remember that post a while back…where I said I like to be alone…but I don't like BEING alone..

Well…the worst has happened..

I am alone…

And I haven't been alone since 5th grade…

When we moved from California…I left a lot behind..and I became aware of some hard things in the first year of living in my new home. That first year was a dark and bleak time in my life…and it didn't seem like it was going to get any better when the next year rolled around….

But it did…despite the odds..

My mom is a teacher, first of students now of teachers, and she's great. We would always stay late at the school while mom finished paper work, so we became good friends with all the custodians…of them was a little old Hispanic lady..who always reminded of my Abuela, which made the transition a little easier…anyway..

One day she came up to my brother and I and asked if we wanted a puppy. Of course, asking two small children if they want a puppy is probably not the best way to go about it, but she did and man did we.

So we said "of course!!" And ran upstairs to our mom to tell her we were getting a puppy, which I'm sure you can guess that didn't go over well. She explicitly told us no, despite the most adorable begging two little kids could muster.

And we thought that was it. No puppy for us. Just more loneliness…

Then after school a day or two later we walked into our mom's classroom….and there she was…the soon to be light of my life..sniffing around blindly in the back reading corner.

I don't think I've ever moved faster in my life to get to something.

At first I was sort of reluctant to like her because my older brother was there and Junior, my former dog (gave him to a friend of the family because we couldn't fly him out), had leaned more towards my big brother more than anyone…so I figured it would turn out the same…

But I couldn't help myself. She was just too cute. She was the cutest puddle of red clay fuzz you ever could see, and at 3 weeks her eyes weren't even open. She was a blind bundle of love, and I was smitten.

I got to bottle feed her when I could, and there wasn't a moment I didn't have her in my arms or SOMEWHERE near me. She'd suck on my fingers, and give me kisses doused in puppy breath; which is honestly the best kind of kisses….

When we brought her home after getting her, we hid her so we could try convincing dad to get one first…he refused repeatedly, until something under the table scared him..

Yep, that's right. My baby had blindly climbed out of her little box, made her way to my dad's feet, and started licking his toes….I'm sure I don't have to tell you how quickly the NO turned to FINE

But still..I was little…and my mom and brother were always feeding her..so I kept feeling like…despite all the loving I was giving her…she'd still choose to be someone else's dog…..then she opened her eyes..

She opened her eyes…and I knew she saw me as hers…just as much as I felt she was mine…

And it never changed…for 12 years…she was mine and I was hers..

Today…for the first time in 12 years..I woke up without my best friend…and I feel like I've been crippled..

I feel like a child again…where the world is dark and I'm not sure I can handle it…all because the one reason I knew I could is gone…

I knew that so long as I had Georgia…I could face anything..because no matter what happened..no matter how topsy turvy it all got…I could smile and say "at least I get to go home to Georgia"

I can't describe how empty the world feels now.

I can't describe how alone it makes you feel when there's no wagging tail or slew of kisses to greet you when you get home…

When there's no warm soft body to crush itself against you because you just LOOK sad…

I can't tell you how it feels to want to be cheered up…but the only thing that ever really cheers you up..is the reason you're sad to begin with…

It's like my heart has just been removed…and nobody is quite sure how to replace it..

She liked going places with me…

She liked sleeping next to me…

She liked hiding under my feet when it thundered…

She liked everyone that so much as looked in her direction…

….I'm so sorry I left you there baby…I'm sorry I didn't know you were upset…I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to make it all better when I finally saw you…

I just want you back….

Because life without you….is no life at all

Today..I lost my best friend

Recently..I went on vacation to Florida. It was a lot of fun, and a great time with the family. Unfortunately, I had to board my dog. So I called around, and decided on the Peachtree Corners Animal Clinic…

Everyone I talked to seemed kind, and knowledgeable. They informed me that since it was a clinic she would have to be up to date on a lot of vaccines and they'd also give her a bath. Everything was good…but apparently it wasn't.

The day I arrived to get my baby girl…she was bloated..lethargic, and unresponsive. My heart sank and I instantly asked what was wrong. I didn't recognize any of the vet techs that were around me.. and two just shrugged and said "maybe it's because we woke her from a nap"

…..that's not how that works. Granted my baby girl was older, but she would never act the act the way she did when she'd wake up.. she was a beautiful ball of energy even at 12….and I loved her so much

I sat there for 5 minutes pushing the issue before they finally asked if I wanted to see a vet.

Finally we did…and the vet said they would do x-rays..

I had to go to work…there was no way around it..so my brother flew me down the road to work and came back for my baby…

The vet said she had bloat….and my brother told me from the x-rays it was huge…..I don't even want to think of how long she suffered..especially since my brother was told by the fucking vet techs she had expressed depression, anxiety, and irritation in the middle of the week we were gone…but they never called me…..I never knew..

If I had I would've dropped everything and come home…I would've come and got my baby..but I wasn't given the chance….

The bloat had been alleviated by 35% while my brother was taking me to work..though I never authorized anything…and of course they tried to charge us for it…

Thankfully my mother raised hell on Georgia's behalf and she was released to us and we weren't charged…all while I'm at work..my baby is rushed to her actual vet who does everything he can…puts in a notice for the ER that she might be coming in….and ultimately decides she is ok enough to come home so she can actually relax and be around us….

None of this news makes me feel better…because that's what happens when it's too late..but I hoped..with everything I had she would be ok…she was my baby..a super tough cookie with enough energy to power the sun….she survived cancer she could survive this…

I finally got home from work and bee-lined it straight for her…

She was lying in one of her spots…on her side…just watching my family move around…….then she saw me…really saw me..and her little tail wagged and I got down on my knees and told her I was sorry..and I loved her…and….

She seemed fine…happy..relaxed…a little groggy but ultimately ok…

We watched her…then we all hit the hay…I slept downstairs on the couch because she couldn't get up the stairs…and I wanted to be right there for her..

A little around five in the morning, I noticed she had moved from her previous spot on the other side of the couch to the her bed beside me…which made me really happy…..

A little around six in the morning, I noticed she was gone. I got up and saw my brother was up so I asked him where she was and we both walked around to the front of the house to where she was laying on the first landing of the stairs. She looked up at us and I heard her collar jingle….so we went back to bed..

She didn't make it…

My mother woke me up…and as gently as she could..told me that my baby girl…my best friend of twelve years…was gone…

I am angry…devastated…hurt….but mostly I'm sorry…I'm sorry I left her…I'm sorry I couldn't protect her…I'm sorry she had to hurt so much….I'm sorry I couldn't save her…

Her name was Georgia. She was twelve years old. We got her from a custodian at our elementary school a year after we moved from California to Georgia. She was just only three weeks old when we got her…her little eyes weren't even open yet…but I knew she was going to be my everything the minute I saw her..and I guess she felt the same because when she opened her eyes…she did it in my arms…and she saw me first..

She has been my whole world for so long….and she made the anxiety and depression bearable…….I knew I could tackle anything so long as she was by my side…

Now I'm just lost…I want to wake up right now and find out I'm curled up at home with her and we haven't left for Florida yet…

I want the bastards who did this to GET SOMETHING!!

I want to go back in time because it was ONLY yesterday…that's not that far back!!

I want the image of my dog walking out of a clinic unresponsive, bloated, and weak gone from my mind….
I want it to be I actually picked her up happy and well and I get to relax at home with her at my feet…as close as she can possibly get…

I want my dog….I want her more than anything…

You were my sunshine…My only sunshine
I will always love you..

The Floating Pools

Sometimes…when I am alone..mostly at night, though there have been times in the day…I have a sort of dream…or a vision that plays before my eyes..

Sometimes..my soul finds itself floating calmly in a pool..silver and mirroring is its surface…slightly bent around the form of my face, hands, and feet..

It’s a strange view…because I am watching as if watching a scene..always the same scene. It plays as if I am the camera, and the woman who is me is…well.. I am not so sure.

I float, completely lost in this mirror of water, and for a few minutes it is just me and the water. So perfect, I wonder what could be better. Then I sink, and slowly rise from the water. I don’t lift myself…my rising is not my doing in any way.

I rise from the water standing…as if the water itself pushes me up. I am naked, and dry to the touch. The water below me hardens at my disappearance, and turns to polished stone; reflecting the new image before me.

Cloud covered skies of pale pinks and blues. So breathtakingly idealistic, it’s as if God painted the sky himself. Whatever it is I stand on, more float nearby. Like islands of of frozen oceans, each one slightly different in form than the next.

I am happy here…but I am also lonely. There is something missing.

Then I look down, and below me is a wonder of blue and green. Oh how the world below fills me with longing. But when I come here…this feels right too.

Somewhere deep down in my heart…in the memories locked within my soul..I endeavor to wonder..

If this is a memory…

What if this strange vision and dream…is a memory of paradise?

What if…this is a memory of the moment I decided to try life again..?

I suppose I ask this question because…paradise…is paradise. There is no difference there.

There is no emotions.

It is beautiful yes, but ultimately cold.

What if when the Bible says we are created in God’s image it meant our nature’s? Our curiosity, our drives, our ingenuity, our happiness, our anger, our pain, our pleasure, OUR HUMANITY?

What if…when we ask why are we here..God asks the same?

When you create something…do you not wonder what it will achieve?

Do not you wonder what effect it will have on you? On others?

Do not you grow angry when it doesn’t work or strays from what you would like it to do?

Do not you scream for joy when it comes out right or surprises you with something better?

….if all I am is a funny little thing that was put on this earth to satisfy a divine curiosity…I can’t say I’d be angry.

Here I sit…in a world of people who breathe and bleed and grow…breathing and bleeding and growing myself….and I can’t think of anything more magical.

Even if the reverse is true…

Even if there is nothing after this…and the world ends with me…

Even if that is the case, and you explain it till you’re blue in the face…does it make it any less magical?

From NOTHING, came SOMETHING.

I was stars and space, and now I am a creature that rules and in my body lives elements stronger than diamonds.

What am I, if not absolutely wonderful?

What are we, if not absolutely magical?

Until next time

Guess who’s back?!

No, it’s not slim shady, though I am flattered. Lol

Nope, it’s just little me. Your friendly, most of the time, A & D psycho rodent.

-eye twitch-

Haha but in all seriousness things have been good since my wonderful epiphany. I have finished two books, and watched an old movie that always tugs at my happy strings. 

I watched Gladiator if anyone was curious lol.

I’ve got a new book idea, I’ve got some new art ideas, and I am very pleased to say everything is actually being done at one point or another. It’s awesome.

Anywho, I’m happy to say I’m quite…well, happy. I don’t feel so trapped anymore with my wants and dreams. Part of me of course worries that it won’t be long before I’m barely able to keep myself afloat again, but for now the ocean of my mind is calm and cool. The top of the crystal blue glitters and the sun peaks gently around the clouds, warming my face.

Ahhh, such a jovial feeling.

Next week I get to go on vacation to Florida and I CAN NOT wait to see and feel the ocean again. I can’t wait to be pushed and pulled by it’s waves, coming out smooth and polished like the stones you find in the sand.

Man I’m just…happy..and it means so much to me. Everything means so much to me.

Anyway

Until next time

An Epiphany

It is 1:12am where I am, I’m sitting in the dark, and I’m beyond tired..but damn it this was important to me.

“Ok Gopher, what could be so important?”

Well, let me tell you.

I have had an epiphany, and the epiphany is do whatever the FUCK YOU WANT!!

“…Gopher..”

I know, I know!

To most this is already common knowledge, or shit it might even be common sense, but let’s just all remember my brain is a little on the fucked up side and what’s normal for others can be really hard for me!! Prime example, DOING WHATEVER I WANT!

No no, I don’t mean going and stabbing someone or robbing a bank (excuse my dark sense of perceived normalcy). I mean, you want to watch a movie you’ve seen a thousand times? Watch a damn movie!! I mean, you want to read book after book after book? Read the shit out of them then. I mean, you want to draw till your hand aches? THEN DRAW!

“Ok, yes, where is this going?”

I’m getting there!!

The POINT, ladies and gentlemen, is that no one tells me this..

No one smiles at me and pats me on the back and says, “you know, you can do other things besides working on your novel”…and I honestly wish I did. I wish I had a buddy who would remind me it’s ok to live in between making my dreams come true, because most of the time I want to do something else OTHER THAN WRITING but my brain sees it as a waste of time!

Do you have any idea how that makes a person who loves drawing and reading as much as breathing or eating chocolate?! It’s fucking devastating is what it is..

So here I am, with my epiphany, and that is that I will be my own reminder buddy, as much as I can, about doing things OTHER than writing. My epiphany is to remember to enjoy the things you always have, because they aren’t distractions unless you make them distractions.

And that little epiphany really makes me feel a lot better.

So starting tomorrow I’m going to finish reading the two books I’m half way done with, then watch a period romance, and draw a picture.

Fuck yeah! Revel in your rebellion Gopher! Fight your way to reverse psychology induced productivity!

Mwahahaha

Oh God I am sleepy lol

Anyway, until next time.