Life Without You

Heya Gophs…
You guys remember that post a while back…where I said I like to be alone…but I don't like BEING alone..

Well…the worst has happened..

I am alone…

And I haven't been alone since 5th grade…

When we moved from California…I left a lot behind..and I became aware of some hard things in the first year of living in my new home. That first year was a dark and bleak time in my life…and it didn't seem like it was going to get any better when the next year rolled around….

But it did…despite the odds..

My mom is a teacher, first of students now of teachers, and she's great. We would always stay late at the school while mom finished paper work, so we became good friends with all the custodians…of them was a little old Hispanic lady..who always reminded of my Abuela, which made the transition a little easier…anyway..

One day she came up to my brother and I and asked if we wanted a puppy. Of course, asking two small children if they want a puppy is probably not the best way to go about it, but she did and man did we.

So we said "of course!!" And ran upstairs to our mom to tell her we were getting a puppy, which I'm sure you can guess that didn't go over well. She explicitly told us no, despite the most adorable begging two little kids could muster.

And we thought that was it. No puppy for us. Just more loneliness…

Then after school a day or two later we walked into our mom's classroom….and there she was…the soon to be light of my life..sniffing around blindly in the back reading corner.

I don't think I've ever moved faster in my life to get to something.

At first I was sort of reluctant to like her because my older brother was there and Junior, my former dog (gave him to a friend of the family because we couldn't fly him out), had leaned more towards my big brother more than anyone…so I figured it would turn out the same…

But I couldn't help myself. She was just too cute. She was the cutest puddle of red clay fuzz you ever could see, and at 3 weeks her eyes weren't even open. She was a blind bundle of love, and I was smitten.

I got to bottle feed her when I could, and there wasn't a moment I didn't have her in my arms or SOMEWHERE near me. She'd suck on my fingers, and give me kisses doused in puppy breath; which is honestly the best kind of kisses….

When we brought her home after getting her, we hid her so we could try convincing dad to get one first…he refused repeatedly, until something under the table scared him..

Yep, that's right. My baby had blindly climbed out of her little box, made her way to my dad's feet, and started licking his toes….I'm sure I don't have to tell you how quickly the NO turned to FINE

But still..I was little…and my mom and brother were always feeding her..so I kept feeling like…despite all the loving I was giving her…she'd still choose to be someone else's dog…..then she opened her eyes..

She opened her eyes…and I knew she saw me as hers…just as much as I felt she was mine…

And it never changed…for 12 years…she was mine and I was hers..

Today…for the first time in 12 years..I woke up without my best friend…and I feel like I've been crippled..

I feel like a child again…where the world is dark and I'm not sure I can handle it…all because the one reason I knew I could is gone…

I knew that so long as I had Georgia…I could face anything..because no matter what happened..no matter how topsy turvy it all got…I could smile and say "at least I get to go home to Georgia"

I can't describe how empty the world feels now.

I can't describe how alone it makes you feel when there's no wagging tail or slew of kisses to greet you when you get home…

When there's no warm soft body to crush itself against you because you just LOOK sad…

I can't tell you how it feels to want to be cheered up…but the only thing that ever really cheers you up..is the reason you're sad to begin with…

It's like my heart has just been removed…and nobody is quite sure how to replace it..

She liked going places with me…

She liked sleeping next to me…

She liked hiding under my feet when it thundered…

She liked everyone that so much as looked in her direction…

….I'm so sorry I left you there baby…I'm sorry I didn't know you were upset…I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to make it all better when I finally saw you…

I just want you back….

Because life without you….is no life at all

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