That phrase just SOUNDS like someone’s tired doesn’t it? Like, they are SO tired of you always having an issue, and anxiety is hearing that phrase EVERY. WHERE. YOU. GO. And with EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON.
EVEN IF THEY NEVER SAY IT! It’s all you ever hear…
Man…I wish I could just be happy…really I do. I try every day to just be happy. To not stress about every random worry my anxiety makes up or to not just sink into the gray that is my depression…I really really try, but I’m always falling short. What sucks is that I don’t even get to tell when I’m doing it. I get upset over nothing and I’m half way into my fight and then my normal voice breaks through with the golden question, “Why are you even mad?”
Honestly brain, I have no FUCKING IDEA. That’s what you’re supposed to be here for…but what do you do when the organ that’s supposed to keep you normal ISN’T normal?!
What are you supposed to do with yourself when people would rather put you on a boat load of drugs? Or just put you in a home, because it’s so much easier than actually taking the time to try and understand you.
And it’s so unfair because people with mental illnesses (especially anxiety and depression) will literally go way out of their way to understand you. Almost every time, almost every person. Why? Because we live in hell, and we would rather get a good gut punch then hear someone is dealing with the same and not try to make it better…
Mental illness is not a cute thing you can play with or use whenever you don’t want to face something…it’s not a toy or gimmick to pull out when you want attention…it’s hard, and it’s lonely 😞
So…why can’t we get the same amount of decency that we give..?
“Gee Gopher…this is some pretty heavy stuff…what brought this on?”
You really want to know? You really want an example of how ridiculous my brain can be..?
This all started because I was bothered by the fact that the first impression I ever give someone, including the man I could see myself marrying and spending the rest of my life with, is that I’m cute….yep, that’s right. I’m bothered by the fact no one’s first impression when they see me is ever anything more than “yeah, she’s pretty cute”….
Yeah I know, it’s fucking petty as shit. BUT it’s how I feel…yay for fucking me….
I guess it stems from the fact my mom was a stunner at my age. Thick, spunky, wild blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes and so incredibly attractive she was later told that she was never approached because they felt she was out of her league. Now, let’s take a look at me shall we.
Pudgy, different hair color every month, glasses, too nice for my own good, clothes too big for me, and an unhealthy amount of awkwardness. So, I was VERY approachable. I know this because I was told ALL the time. I could be told ANYTHING. INCLUDING ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS THE GUY WHO I HAD A CRUSH ON’S GIRLFRIEND WOULD DO TO HIM ON A DAILY BASIS.
“You’re such a good friend”, “You’re so easy to talk to”, “I wish I could find a girl like you” and the worst one above all
“Man she is so hot.” *looks at me* “Don’t worry, you’re cute too”
GEE, thank you sO MUCH FOR THAT!!
….Just once..it would be nice to know someone saw me and I turned their head with a wow…or made them think “damn, what a ten”….my boyfriend told me the same thing I’ve always heard..”I thought you were cute” but then when he saw me in person, after getting to know me a lot better and already deciding he wanted to be with me, that he then thought I was gorgeous. Is that sweet? Yes, but at the same time all my anxiety can do is remind me people become more attractive when you have feelings for them…which means I was easy to approach in his eyes too….
I don’t want to be easy to approach….I want to be intimidating…and then I want to be told that even though I was intimidating I was still wanted.
Does any of that make sense to normal human beings?! PROBABLY THE FUCK NOT!!!
Ugh…just jump in front of a bus already -.-
Until next time